Butterfly
by TheCandyChild
Summary: A boy struggles with the seven stages of grief, not without his best friend, of course. Lenku.
1. Stage 1- Shock

Nothing.

He felt nothing.

He should feel something, but he just...

He couldn't believe it.

Was she really gone?

It's been weeks since she's passed. And yet...he still wasn't able to cry. That shouldn't be normal. He should be crying. He should be feeling something. He was trying to feel something, but no matter how much he wanted to, he still felt nothing.

He was numb- he felt like he was on anesthesia and couldn't snap out of it. He went through life fine. He ate. He showered. He went to school. But it was all like a blur of color, as if he were on a speeding train and the blurred, outside world was what was going on outside of his mind.

His friends were tender and gentle with him, as if they were afraid that he was going to break like a fragile piece of glass. Not that he could blame them. Len shifted his gaze to a picture on the bookshelf he currently sat next to.

 _Rin._

The picture was taken before the incident, probably a few months before. Those were the times when everything was whole and peaceful. When everyone was happy.

When he could feel properly.

It was a Friday, and a rather beautiful Friday. The sun engulfed the Earth with its' bright rays, and it was warm with the occasional light breeze passing through. It was quiet, the sounds of honking horns and traffic and the neighbors joyously yelling at each other from across the street ceased to nothing. The birds sang a sweet and beautiful song that would be music to other people's ears. The flowers outside the window were vibrant and healthy looking. A hummingbird zipped by, pausing to feed form a flower before zooming on to its' destination. A blue butterfly landed on a rose outside, then flew off after a few minutes.

Normally, Len would be cherishing the nice day. He'd probably going to the park with his friends, or even going out on a walk, but not today.

Not for a while.

Len wondered what was wrong with him.

The sound of the locks on his front door turning made him snap out of his thoughts. He stared at it, watching as the door opened and a familiar figure came through, struggling with several bags.

"Yo!" Miku yelled joyfully, kicking the door open further. She teetered a little bit to the right, as if she was about to fall. "Shit!"

Len looked at his best friend with a wary look. Miku kicked the door behind her, resulting in the door slamming shut. She waddled over to the couch and dropped her bags on the floor, where they landed with a loud _thump_.

"God, those were killing me!" She muttered tiredly, kicking off her black and white Converse and curling up on the couch next to Len. Miku Hatsune was his best friend. The two met when they were 11 years old, when Miku was getting picked on by some girls. Ever since then, the two have become close. Miku had the key to Len's house, and Len had the key to hers. It was not uncommon for either of them to barge in without a notice beforehand.

Miku looked down at her feet. Her right sock was bright pink with yellow polka dots, and her left sock was blue with white stripes. "Your socks aren't matching," Len pointed out. Miku rolled her aquamarine eyes.

"Oh? I haven't noticed." She replied sarcastically, taking her long teal locks out of the ponytail she wore. The corners of Len's mouth twitched upwards and for a moment, he felt something warm in his heart- the oh-so familiar feeling of the love he always felt towards Miku Hatsune.

"Why are you here?" He asked her. Miku picked up one of the bags and unzipped it, revealing the contents inside.

His gym clothes. He didn't go to school that day- he had to take care of his little cousin for the first half of the day, and by the time he was done, there was really no point in going. He looked at them, confused, then back up at Miku.

"How-"

"Sh." She put her index finger up to his lips before he could utter another word. "I have my ways." Len decided that he didn't want to know.

"Plus, I also brought your homework and my textbooks. We did a lot today, so I'll be your drop dead gorgeous and brilliant private tutor. You're welcome." She said, bringing the second bag up with a groan that showcased her lack of upper body strength.

She brought out her honors chemistry book, then her honors history book, accompanied with her smaller, paper thin advanced math book. Len and Miku shared all those classes together, and anyone with honors classes would know how much homework students get sometimes.

"So..." She said, clapping her hands with a sigh. "Lets get started with history. It's the easiest, since we just have a few pages of notes and a couple worksheets." She opened the books, flipping the pages quickly. When she got to where she wanted, she got a folder out and handed several papers to Len.

"So, Len...how are you holding up?" She casually asked. Len knew Miku well enough to know that she was concerned about him. He was pretty sure everyone was- he lost someone very important recently, and he hasn't shown any signs of sadness.

"I'm fine," He replied nonchalantly. She stopped whatever she was doing to look at him. Miku sighed softly.

"You're not," She said, turning slightly towards him, her hands on her lap. "You just lost somebody that is very close to you." Len looked down, not sure of what he should say.

"I..." He muttered after a while. "I feel...numb..."

"I can't cry. I tried. I feel like...I feel like I can't feel. I should be feeling something. Why can't I? What's...wrong with me?" He couldn't look at Miku. What would she think of him? Would she think that he was a monster?

He felt the couch shift, and soon enough he felt Miku's very skinny arms wrap around him in a tight embrace. She rested her head on his shoulder and gave a small sigh. "You know, when I first met you and Rin, these girls were being mean to me, calling me names and just being horrible. But then, you two came and scared them away. You were so kind to me, so caring even though I was just a stranger. You asked if I was okay and you gave me your jacket, even though it was a sunny and warm day and checked for injuries and offered to take me home. It was the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for me." Miku paused for a moment.

"So why would you think that I would think of you badly?"

Len shrugged sheepishly, and little by little, an emotion started to settle within him- sadness. For the first time in a while, a lump began to rise in his throat, making it difficult for him to speak.

"I..." Len croaked. "I was supposed to be upset and cry like everyone else...and I couldn't..."

"You're in shock," Miku told him softly, gently. "Grief comes in seven stages...one of them happens to be shock. Believe me, I...I know. You feel like you can't feel. But soon, it'll go away." Len blinked back the tears that desperately wanted to escape from his sky blue eyes.

"It's okay to cry." Miku told Len. His heart swelled with different emotions- sadness, bitterness, he even felt bittersweet. But he didn't want to cry in front of Miku. He knew that he wanted to cry ever since the numbness set in, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He had to be strong.

"Every step of the way, Len..."

"... _I_ will be there with you."


	2. Stage 2- Denial

He was always a dreamer.

Len had an imaginative mind, and he always found himself wandering off into lala land, usually during times of tedium.

And he hoped to God that he was dreaming.

She couldn't really be gone, right? Of course not. He knew her for such a long time. He knew her better than anyone else.

And he knew that she couldn't be gone. She just couldn't be gone without a trace, faster than you can snap your fingers.

Len shuffled forth slowly, much to the dismay of the many eager students behind him that were crammed into the somewhat narrow hallway. They rushed by him, sometimes pushing him, but he decided to not say anything about it. It wasn't worth it, anyways. All he'd get was a dirty look and gossip.

She would probably shoot them a glare, but Len knew that she expected better of him. She was always a bit of a hypocrite, but that was only because she didn't value herself as much as she valued her friends or family.

Len finally stepped outside into the front of the school, students bursting out of the front door and gladly spreading out into the open area. The screams of the rather annoying freshman and the irritating voices of the stuck-up and snobby students gossiping about people flooded Len's ears like a tsunami.

He unravelled his surprisingly pristine, clean earbuds and plugged it into his phone. His usually good looking phone had a cracked screen that started at the bottom left corner and blossomed up to the middle, but that was to be expected. The crash was not a friendly one.

Len, without really paying attention, clicked on a random song and the all-too familiar tune began to play, making him almost stop in his tracks.

 _"Bogo shipda._ _ **(I miss you.)**_

 _Ireoke malhanikka deo, bogo shipda._ **(Saying it like this makes me miss you more.)**

 _Neohi sajineul bogo isseodo_ _ **(Even when I'm looking at your photo)**_

 _Bogo shipda._ _**(I miss you.)**_

 _Neomu yasokhan shigan._ _ **(Time is too cruel.)**_

 _Naneun uriga mibda._ _ **(I detest ourselves.)**_

 _Ijen eolgul han beon boneun geotto himdeureojin uriga."_ _**(Seeing each other's faces even once has become difficult for us now.)**_

 _"Oh, come on!" Miku whined from the backseat, behind Len. "Why do we always listen to this Korean shit?"_

 _Rin nearly broke her neck when she turned to glare at Miku. "It is art!" She snapped at the teallette as she turned the volume up. The newest source of obsession for both Rin and Len, which was a song by a Korean band known as BTS, irritated the hell out of Miku since they played the song whenever they had the chance._

 _Honestly, Len was just doing it to annoy her at this point. It was fun._

 _"So if you take a piss and throw it onto a blank canvas, is that art?" Miku mused. Rin made a noise of disgust._

 _"Gross..."_

 _"It isn't, right?"_

 _"I mean," Len interjected,"it can be considered art. Art is a way of expressing...stuff. Perhaps that piece can resemble how shitty the author feels, or how shitty the world is. Maybe it can represent the ridiculous ideas people can come up with while looking at something so simple." Len could see Rin wrinkle her nose from the corner of his eye. She brushed her chin-length blonde hair behind her ear and fixed her signature bow._

 _Rin had a thing for that big, white bow she always wore. It was a gift from their mom when they were little. It isn't like their parents were dead or anything, though. They were still alive, in perfect health. Their father and mother divorced recently, maybe a couple years ago, but the two were still friendly with each other. They weren't fighting or anything, but they just...fell out of love. It was a little sad and made Len afraid of that same thing happening to him one day. But, nobody will love him like that, so he supposed he was alright._

 _Back to the topic, Len realised that the three of them all had a signature look. Rin, with her white bow. Miku, with her teal hair and twin tails, and Len, with his ponytail. Miku, for some odd reason, always wore her hair up in twin tails, but even then, her hair was still very long. She was long overdue for a haircut yet always refused to go get one. It was like a kid and the dentist, or a dog with the vet- she hated going there._

 _Miku snorted. "Art, my ass!"_

 _"What ass?" Len replied carelessly. Miku sputtered something incomprehensible. He could practically hear the steam coming out of Miku's ears at his comment. He imagined her face turning 50 shades of red (not grey) and he snickered to himself. He was sure that if he wasn't driving, Miku would be beating the living shit out of him. He frowned as he stopped at a stop sign._

 _Len, being the cautious driver he was, looked both ways to make sure that the roads were deserted. Luckily for him, they were._

 _"Oh, you, Len Kagamine, you're gonna get it!" She growled. Rin snickered quietly, mumbling something under her breath about Miku and Len growing up and getting married on fateful day._

 _"Get what? Your ass?"_

 _"No! You pervert!"_

 _"Hey, you weren't elaborating!" Len defended, though he knew he was at fault. He and Miku were so close that they could joke about that kind of stuff without it becoming awkward. It wasn't like they were looking for a relationship, and it wasn't like they actually had a silly crush on each other. Miku didn't like Len like that, absolutely not._

 _And Len..._

 _Well..._

 _"Len!"_

At some point, Len had began his trek home. His feet were moving, step after step, and somehow he had been so caught up in the memory that he didn't even realize what was going on. The Kagamine flinched as the song ended. The song that he once loved so much made him feel sick. It made his stomach churn. It was tainted with bad memories, but despite this, he couldn't bear to delete it from his playlist.

He missed her, but she wasn't actually...gone. She wasn't. Surely he was in some long and realistic bad dream.

Len didn't realize it, but he was already halfway home. The way home from school was usually a long trek of nearly endless walking, since his home was a little farther than the other's. Because of this, he only walked with 2 other people.

She was one of them, of course.

Len stopped when he spotted a flair of color and movement from the corner of his eye.

The park was empty, like it usually was by the time Len got to it. It was as beautiful as ever. The bushes, flowers, and grass were as lush and vivid as ever, probably because of all the rain they've been receiving within the month. The sky was blue, and there was no breeze as far as Len could tell. The birch trees were planted in a circle around the small children's park, the canopy serving as a home to a couple animals, mostly birds.

There, under one of the birch trees, was a certain teallette chasing childishly after a blue butterfly.

Len made his way to Miku Hatsune, vaguely curious as to why she was there.

"Where were you today?" Len asked when he was within hearing range. Miku spun around quickly, stumbling back with her slender arms flailing in the air, as if trying to balance. She end up falling with a squeak, to which Len rolled his blue eyes and helped her up.

"Dentist appointment," She replied, dusting off her pastel blue shirt. "I had the appointment, like, halfway through the day so there kinda wasn't a point in coming to school."

"Hm." Said Len. Miku tilted her head, her teal hair all falling to one side. For once, her hair was down and not in her signature hairstyle. Len found it a little odd, but said nothing in fear that she'd smack him for whatever reason. Girls were, Len learned, complicated.

"On the bright side, my teeth are pretty great." She said. She grinned, as if showing off her straight, pearly whites. Len really saw no difference. Miku's always had straight, shiny white teeth. Len envied her for never being a victim of braces- Len wore them for two years when he was 11, and it wasn't a pretty experience. He still had flashbacks of difficulty flossing, monthly trips to the dentist, and obnoxiously bright, neon blue bands. "Are you blinded by the shine and sparkle, Kagamine?"

* * *

"You're having trouble believing it's real, right?" Miku asked suddenly. Len was quiet, lightly pushing himself from the ground, resulting in the swing he sat on creaking slightly as it swung back and forth gently. His hands gripped the chains that held the bright, rusted yellow seat he currently sat on. The swing was old, sure, but still worked. "She was probably your best friend. She always rebounded from accidents so quickly."

Len nodded. "Whenever she got knocked down, she always got back up so quickly that I questioned whether she was down in the first place." Miku gave a quiet, saddened sigh.

"Yeah...she always did."

"That's why...she's not really gone, right?" Len hesitantly said. To any other person, he'd be crazy. Hell, to everyone on Earth, he was out of his damn _mind._ He saw her body, laying in the dark and ominous casket that she would forever be sleeping in, lifeless. He saw as they lowered her casket into her final resting place. He even saw her life slip away, out of his reach, like sand.

Len looked at Miku. She was in the backseat when it happened. Rin was in the front. And Len...

He was the driver.

"I don't want to believe it, either. When it happened...it was almost as if I died, too. I didn't want to believe she was gone. But she is. And...all we can do is move forwards." Miku said. Len stared up at the cloudless sky. Lately, the weather has been nice and the days have been the most beautiful days the town has seen in a very, very long time. It was beautiful on the day of her funeral and the day of the crash, too.

There were two sides of Len concerning the oddly beautiful and radiant days that, for some reason, appeared when there was tragedy.

One side of him felt that the world was mocking him. The days that were beautiful, sunny, and glistening with life and wonder weren't something that reflected the tragic loss of such a beautiful life, of such a bright and lively soul. It was supposed to be ugly, raining, gray with dark clouds looming ominously over the Earth, threatening to hurl lightning bolts into the ground, splitting open trees and wreaking havoc. It was supposed to mourn the loss of something so magnificent. Even the angels were supposed to cry, shedding tears so great that it fell to the Earth in great droplets of water, pitifully showering everything in a rain of grief.

But one side of him felt that the weather was...accepting. The radiant sun, crystal clear blue sky dotted with a few white, cotton-candy like clouds every here and there, the joyous singing of various birds, and the buzz and hum of life reminded him that Earth was a marvelous and breathtakingly gorgeous place, and surely there was an equally marvelous and breathtakingly gorgeous place where that charming soul would reside. It reminded him that maybe she would be in a better place, that maybe somewhere she was laughing that carefree laugh of hers.

But no matter how much he wanted to believe that she was somewhere else, he couldn't shake off the bitter feeling of denial.

"It's..." Len started, his voice trailing off and leaving his sentence unfinished, the words stuck in his throat and not willing to come out. He cleared his throat softly, and Miku patiently waited for him to find his voice. "It's like a really weird and screwed up dream. It's like one of those dreams that you wake up from early in the morning, the sapphire sky barely light with the sun's tender and warm rays reaching across the morning's dew-infected and cool land, so early that even the singing birds are sleeping. It's like that one dream that feels vague but familiar and incredibly strange, but somehow unsettling enough to wake you from a blissful and restful sleep and leave a strange, dry taste resting on your tongue and an uneasy feeling in your stomach. It's like the dream that leaves you squirming under the bedsheets, your clothes sticking uncomfortably to your damp skin and sweat causing your hair to stick to your forehead and the back of your neck and stick up in all sorts of crazy ways, frizz and all."

Miku smiled crookedly at him, the smile that Len always admired in secret when he made sure that nobody would notice somewhat bittersweet. "Always quite the poet, Len. You could use those poetic ways of yours to be romantic, but you're not really the type, I guess. You're the type that doesn't like to let your feelings out so easily." She chuckled quietly, but the soft noise of amusement died away quickly. The silence was instead filled with the soft creaking of the swings as the pair swung back and forth gently, the atmosphere far too gentle and somber to release their childlike energy and excitement by violently kicking themselves off the ground and into the air, letting loose yells of childish joy and laughs as they compete to see who can go the highest, like they usually did when they found themselves on the swings.

"And I know you're still like that, and when you aren't suppressing your romantic feelings, you're suppressing your sad ones. Even if you arent aware that you're doing it. It's just...who you are, Len." Her voice was as quiet and lovelier than the sound of the sea' s gentle, calm waves bumping into the rocks and splashing quietly. Looking into her green-blue eyes that resembled the shallow waves of the sea, Len could almost smell the salty yet familiar scent of the sea water, the scent of fish, the scent of a trillion lives bustling under the sea. He could almost feel the wind rushing by his face and cooling his flushed cheeks, whipping his blonde hair in every direction, the feeling of wind almost that of fingers lovingly and gingerly combing and stroking his hair.

Almost that of Miku's slender fingers lovingly and gingerly combing and stroking his hair when she thought he was asleep, head in her lap.

"And...after experiencing that dream and you're fully awake and in reality, the siren's call tries to lure you back to sleep. But you're already wide awake, and what's the point of going to sleep? It's better to get up and get a head start on your day and be productive."

"But...even if it's what's best, it's not what we _wan_ t. So we let the siren call lure us away from what's best, and we go back to a wonderful sleep, even if it won't last forever, even if it'll end abruptly in a few hours."

Miku looked at Len, her eyes thoughtful and studying the blonde beside her. She gave a soft sigh, but grateful that her suspicions were confirmed nonetheless. Hesitantly, she placed her hand on his, which was loosely gripping the chain of the swing. He flinched lightly at the contact, and Miku wrapped her fingers around his reassuringly.

"Denial," Miku said softly, "stage 2." Tenderly, as if he were a delicate glass that could be broken from the slightest touch, she pried his fingers off the chain and held it in her lap. Len gave her a somewhat quizzical look, but his swing towards her anyways. Miku opened his palm and traced the lines present on with her index finger lightly.

"What we want is different than what we need. I know you want to think that this isn't real. I do, too. But it is. And...I know you want to go back to sleep and rest awhile. But we need to get started with our day and move on. We need to realize that this is...real." The words on Miku's tongue felt bitter, fowl. Len noticed her sour expression and interlocked their fingers instead.

He smiled weakly. "Yeah...I guess it is." He mumbled, lifting his feet off the ground, resulting in the swing going back to its original position, due to Len's hand holding onto Miku's tightly, stopping him from going any further.

 _Miku Hatsune,_ Len thought with a glance toward the said girl, _my anchor._

"It's messed up. I know. But we have to cope with it."

"And I'm not letting you go through that alone. We both _love_ her."


End file.
